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Writing a book is showing the world your soul...
I've bared my soul, if only to a select handful.
The human mind is a scary place.
Someone else's diary is something you really should never read.
A friend of mine died recently and, for some reason known only by her psychiatric trained mind, she had her last diary delivered to me as part of her will.
I can honestly say I am a changed man, for both better and for worse.
To find out just how much you meant to someone that has just passed away and never having heard it from their own lips always having thought she thought a lot less of me.
Turns out she just believed I was capable of much more and was trying to push me...
I lost the one person I know for sure believed in me.

Seems like the past year everything in my life has been falling apart.
Even though I've made it my new year's resolution to put everyone in-front of myself, and I stuck to it, there has been no reward.
Not that I expected a reward, but life seems to have a sick sense of humor.
Seems it's true that no good deed goes unpunished.
Murphy's law has really had a ball in my life.

Boot against the bottom

I think it is safe to say that there is some heavy public pressure against Heyneke Meyer. And it is for good reason. Even someone unknowledgeable in the fine art of rugby can see that there is something wrong with the springbok team.
Moments of sheer individual brilliance is what has saved us from what could possibly jave been terrible upsets.
A lacklustre performance against Argentina really got the public up in arms and the loss to Australia only served to worsen what was already a hige public outcry against what seemed a planless Meyer.
The performance against the All black was definotely a huge improvement but Im sorry to say that is was in now way due to an improved gameplan.
Rather I think the players took it upon themselves to play their hearts out and make the best of the terrible deal they've been dealt.
In my opinion the team seems to be stuck somewhere in the middle between the Stormers' kick and chase gameplan and the Bulls' forward dominance gameplan.
Maybe I'm biased here but I really believe that the Sharks had the best balanced gameplan amongst the South african conferences. Surely considering the amount of sharks players in the bok team they should rather concentrate on a simmilar gameplan.
A real breath of fresh air was the inclusion of Johan Goosen.
Against the All Blacks I have no doubt that the Boks would have won if the young Goosen had started the game.
Another sore point is the amount of gametime Lamby has had in past weeks.
With Louw and Coetzee on the side of the scrum we really looked a force to be reconned with.
At the moment Duane Vermeulen's match fitness is a bit questionable though.
Maybe Alberts on 8 could be the answer but he doesn't look the player he usually is from the bench.
My biggest concern though is what thinking made Meyer even include Dean Greyling in the side.
If a finger can be pointed against any single player it would surely be him.
In 20 minutes he cost the Boks no less than 4 penalties of which one was a yellow card.
Hopefully Meyer's eyes will open in the following weeks and he will set up a proper, modern gameplan and select players to suite it instead of his unexplainable faith in the Bulls players who couldn't even manage at their own gameplan in this year's Super15.

Psychology...

Being a psychologist or psychiatrist really needs to be all about wanting to help people.
Truth be told all the real good ones get called quacks and the sorts.
People generally don't like hearing the truth and that's why.
Bad ones tell patients exactely what they want to hear and so get lots of credit and are widely loved.
Lies don't help anyone though.
You've got to face a truth and accept it to be able to fix it.
I look at myself and the people in my life.
I'd had to take a hard, honest look at myself to realise all the wrongs in my life.
But I accepted it and I'm doing something to change.
I don't think there is anything harder than changing the very core of who and what you are no matter how little that change.
I've changed, but I had to see a deep inner part of me I never knew existed.
I had to be broken to be able to rebuild who I am.
I had to be weak and vulnerable so that now I can be strong.

So what phone should you get?

I going to be biased towards android here.
I took the plunge to android before even I really knew anything about the OS.
All I knew was I hated Nokia and the crap Symbian operating system they were pushing on their clients.
2 years down the line and I've come to love android.
Apple is a great alternative which really takes a pounding without ever missing a beat and setting up almost anything is virtually childsplay.
What really pisses me off about ios is its lack of widgets and the tight constraints Apple puts on what you can do.
No changing the interface or icons like android.
Another thing, and this is a big one, is the price.
Apple's phones have steadily fallen behind in their specs yet their prices are higher than the top android phones.
That, for me, makes it nothing but a image thing.
It's not a bad device, it's just not worth the price.

That settled lets move on to blackberry...
RIM's little messaging wonders have really taken off in South Africa.
While they are showing losses everywhere else africa has been a steady source of income for the Canadian manufacturer.
Despite having laid off some of their workers twice in the last couple of months there hopefully is no end in sight...yet.
Going down would be bad for anyone owning a blackberry...I would have a celebration party.
The reason android is so popular is due to a couple of things, but in my opinion the most prominent reason is due to the fact that the savings from the operating system goes straight into the hardware thus for the same price other phones just can't compete.
Blackberry is very guilty here.
They are always a generation or two behind and their software is old and unimaginative.
I genuinely hope bbos10 proves me wrong.
Their success falls squarely on their "free internet".
Few stop and think about this.
There is a monthly fee.
Furthermore Blackberry uses a different apn through which all internet on device is filtered, slowing even hsdpa internet speeds down to what more closely resembles edge.

At this point I'd like to mention that I think what Nokia have done with the Lumia 800 and 900 is magnificent.
I take my hat off to them.
Microsoft screwed them though, Windows phone 8 not coming to either.
If you want a modern smartphone but can't be bothered with all the functions android of Apple can offer you or finding either to complicated then Windows phone 7 is for you.
It does a lot the two I mentioned can but in a lot simpler way.
I love it, I just love android more...

Cooler as ekke...

Anyone else ever feel the need to be right on the edge of technology.
Just got to be better than everyone I know.
Expensive challenge though.
Living on toast and baked beans are getting old anyway...
I'm changing to creamed corn on toast...yeah I know, but my cellphone contract is due for an upgrade and the new Samsung galaxy s3 is out!
Last time, promise!

Dying arts...

Common decency is nearing its extinction.
Only form of decency you find is of the professional variety.
What happened to being nice because you wanted to and being nice beyond the minimum required boundaries?
Just once in a while I'd like to actually pick up a phone and have a secretary say: hi, I'm whoever. How are you? My boss would like to speak to you or someone at your office.
Instead I get a: is whoever available? Not? Nevermind and then she slams the earpeace down.
Bad telephone etikette is one of my pet peaves.
Hate it worse than genocide and world hunger.
I'd rather step on an eel than ever have to hear bad etikette ever again in my life.
Youth of today's standards just aren't equal to the ones I was raised with.
Discipline is another thing.
Civilization is going backwards.
Stone age here we come.

It all ADDs up in the end.

Anybody reading this also a victom of attention deficite disorder?
Ritalin rocks right?
Wondered whether I was the only one that hated getting stuck in glue.

Positivity at a premium

I find it incredibly difficult to write anything worth reading if I'm not either suicidally depressed or nauseatingly in love.
Note to self: check with psychologist whether above mentioned situations are somehow related...my guess is yes.
I've always dreamed of becoming a best selling novellist but if that was at the expense of either happiness or my sanity then I'm passing on it.
Writing makes me happy, but I'd much rather just be happy to start with.
And lets not even start on the topic of love...its too nauseating...
We all get lonely, but I think its way better to be lonely outside a relationship than in one...

Little hints of insanity...

Last couple of months have been interesting to say the least.
Had my heart broken and lost a very dear friend of mine.
Won't mention the biatch that broke my heart again, bit what is close to my heart is how Cynthea, my dear friend, had influenced me.
No one who knows me would disagree if someone mention that I've changed.
Hell, everyone would probably agree it is all for the better...because I was a bit of a nutcase before.
Truth is people, I was sane back then
Now I find myself asking: what would Cynthea do? in almost every situation.
I'm feeling like I've developed a split personality.
Right side of my brain, which controls emotions, pretty much IS Cynthea these days.
People like me more these days.
Way to go C!
Great...
Had to loose my mind for people to start doubting I'm crazy.

To those left behind.

It's difficult to put into words exactly how I feel having to accept that C will not be with us anymore.
In many ways her life was a lie, and her advice was hard to swallow most of the time, but she always gave them with only the best intentions.
I know it is said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but I know in my heart that C never meant anyone anything other than happiness.
People that knew her would think she was a blissfully happy person, but I know better.
The biggest reason she devoted her life to easing other's pain was that she could never overcome her own. Though we fought constantly I loved her dearly because a better friend cannot be found.
My life will always have a void now that she is gone, but hopefully the changes she caused in me will help a little to make up for that.
The world will truly be a lesser place without her.
My heart goes out to her family, and especially her daughter.
Hold on to the good memories and be proud of your daughter/mother.
She once told me "feel pity for those who do not cry, because they can not see."
Cry for her because she brought change to all those that met her and always for the better no matter how she did it.

The little things in life

I'm sure all our parents told us at some point in time that though money gives you security, it isn't everythimg.
It can't buy love and it can't buy happiness.
We all know this, but nothing is as earth shattering as the day you realise just how true it is.
The day you first hold that one special person's hand.
The day you wake up next to them for the first time and realise you want to wake up next to them every morning for the rest of your life.
You play over every kiss, every touch over and over in your mind, and it feels like you're flying when you think about them.
Your heart goes absolutely crazy when someone mentions their name.
Everytime you look into their eyes you see your whole future in them.
You dream about the children you'll have together.
Maybe a cute little baby daughter named Kara...that's my dream.

All this can be yours for the great price of...wait for it...absolutely nothing.
Free it may be though, but it doesn't mean all of us gets to be with the one we love.
Even all the money in the world won't be able to buy it, though I'd give up everything I own and more...

Point of view

Something I see quite often is professional photographers making all kinds of snide remarks about every monkey with a slr thinking they're a photographer.
Guess they're pretty close to the truth.
It takes more than a paintbrush or a camera to be an artist.
You've got to see the world in a different way, a way that no one else sees it.
This is especially true for photographers.
A painter has his own style of painting, but a photographer only has a button to press so he really needs to make his view on the world special.
Life is simmilar, I've found.
We all have sadness and hardships that cross our paths, yet there are those of us blessed with a view on the world that can bring most things in a good light.
I'm afraid I'm not very good at that kind of thing though.
A friend once told me that my heart may be in the right place and made of solid gold, but the way I.see the world poisons me.
And in the end I will poison those around me too if I cannotchange that.
A good soul is a weak soul.
I get hurt so easily and at some time I always lash back at it.
But I have so much to be greatful for.
God has given me an unlimited ability for absorbing other's pain.
I try to help where I can because that's where I find pleasure and happiness the easiest.
Maybe one day I too will be blessed with unconditional love and happiness.