Monday, July 17, 2017

Mutual respect

I am pissed-off...
Pissed-off at a world where people have no respect for you and treat you like shit just because you aren't a complete asshole.
And then when you do behave like one you are the bad guy.
I am sick of this world.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Leap of faith

I have very recently, today actually, decided to take on one of the scariest experiences of my entire life: self-employment...
I have the advantage of having one very loyal client backing me with everything they can.
Thank you for that Dr Spy.
Without your suppoet and believe I would not even have considered taking this chance.
Furthermore I have an excellent, always positive, friendship in Brenda Casey who seems to believe I'm sImebody worthwhile even though I doubt that myself.
The more I kick against the difficult choice between getting a job and starting my own business the more people start to back me and try and help me out.
If that is not a sign then I don't know what will convince me.
I must confess: I am scared and anxiety won't let go of its grip on my heart.
But like Brenda said: believe and put your faith in God.
Doors will open when others close.
I think the hardest is the fact that I got this chance by doing something really bad to people I said I loved.
How can someone be given a good chance after doing evil?
Only time will tell...

Friday, May 15, 2015


Can anyone out there tell me how happiness feels please.
I'm 35 years old.
In those 35years I can honestly say that I cannot remember 10days that I woke up and felt happy to be alive.
I've done some bad things.
Not Hitler or Idi Amin kind of bad things but I am most certainly not innocent.
Are those wrongs I've done the reason for how I feel?
Is my life the fair punishment?

Once anyone has managed to describe happiness to me, please give love a go.
Sure, I have known how it feels to be in love, but I have no idea what it feels like to be loved back.
Is that also part of the punishment for all my "crimes".
Maybe I was Stalin in a previous life...or Hitler.
That would explain it.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Blood and guts

It takes more guts to love than to do anything else.
I loved and I hurt and everytime I tell myself I'm never loving anyone ever again.
Yesterday my best friend, whom I fell in love with, against my will mind you, told me she doesn't want to be anywhere near me.
She's been my motivation and inspiration these last almost 3 years.
She pulled me through the hard times.
Now I'm on my own again.
I don't know how I will make it on my own.
I've already lost all interest in running.
Nothing interests me.
I just want to lie on my bed and die.
I've done my crying.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Another day

Petro and I had a long talk this weekend about all the things that upset me.
I pretty much guilt tripped her about everything I have done for her without her ever having asked for any of it.
If she has no notion about how I feel about her now she never will.
I have tried to replace the place she occupies in my heart with someone else, but all I figured out is that you can't replace someone you love with someone else.
Especially not if the person you love remains in your life.
That love and longing will always come back and sooner rather than later it will destroy any relationship you try to replace it with.
Karen had a chance, but Elzanne never even had a foot in the door.
I think maybe if Karen would give me another real chance and be willing to do more from her side to make it work that we could build something.
Honestly I think this whole thing will only end in disaster...

Sunday, January 11, 2015

The truth

So why am I depressed this time?

EVERY running related decision I've made this last year has been 99% influenced by Petro...I decided to do Comrades because of her.
Then she got injured and I knew how she felt about being left out.
So I decided not to run anymore because she couldn't and I would NOT be part of anything that made her feel left out and sad.
I'd rather train with her at a slower pace during her recovery.
My "dream" was to run my first comrades with her and also be there for her tenth finish.
But now I can't be there and because she's decided to make it her last I'll never get to do a comrades with her.
So now I feel left out and she's very much at the centre of the group that's causing it.
I messed up my running so that I could support her during her recovery.
Then she just abandoned me right after the damage was done.
I basically sacrificed my whole season for her...

Friday, June 20, 2014

Coping with depression

I've been reading up all around the web and found all kinds of lists on how to cope.
This is a combination of the best:

1. Know you are not alone. Know that we are a silent legion, who, every day face the solipsism and judgement of HAPPY PEOPLE WHO THINK WE AREN'T TRYING.

2. Understand that the HAPPY PEOPLE are acting out of some genuine (albeit misguided) concern for you, that it's coming from a good place, even if the advice feels like you're being blamed for your disease. Telling you these things makes them feel better, even if it makes you fell terrible. (If they insist on keeping it up see #12.)

3. Enlist the help of a professional. See your doctor. You need to talk about the ugly stuff, and there are people paid to listen and help you find your way to the light at the end of the tunnel.

4. Understand that antidepressants will only do so much. They're useful, they'll level you out and give you the time you need to figure out your own path to getting well. They can be helpful. There are lots to choose from. They may not be for you, and even if they are, they take some time to kick in. Conversely, they may not be for you. Work with your doctor.

5. Pick up a paintbrush, a pencil, an activity you got joy from in the past and re-explore that. Or, sign up for the thing you always wanted to try. There is a long history and link between depression and creativity. It's a bright light of this condition, so utilize it to your best advantage.

6. Eat nutritionally sound, regular small meals. If you are having trouble eating, try to focus on what you'd like to eat. Conversely, if all you want to do is scarf down crap, try to ramp it off by downing a glass of water and doing #9 for 15 minutes, and see how you feel. Chucking your blood sugar all over hell's half acre is going to make you feel worse.

7. While you're doing #3, get some blood-work done. If you're low on iron or vitamin D, or if your hormone levels are doing the Macarena... these can all contribute to zapping your energy or switching your mood to BLEAK.

8. If you're in bed and the "insomnia hamsters", as I like to call them, are on the wheel of your head, watch midnight news or infomercials... Swap out your coffee for herbal tea. If you just cannot sleep, try the next tip...

9. Learn to meditate. Start by focusing on your breathing. Not sleep, not thoughts. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Meditation is focusing on being present in your body, not careening around in your brain. It may not be as good as sleep but it will give you some rest and recharge you.

10. Face a window as often as you can - at work, at home. Look out into the world. Watch. Observe. Try to fin something you find pretty or interesting to focus on. And, handily remember that 1 in 5 of those people out there feel the way you do.

11. Cry. Better out than in. Sometimes it's not convenient or career-enhancing to cry, so find a private place as best you can and let the tears go. You can always claim allergies.

12. Any "friend" who resolutely believes that your depression is because you're lazy, because you're not trying hard enough, who blames you for not bootstrapping out of it - that friend needs to be cut off. Polite (#2) is one thing, but there is a limit. You don't have to explain, you can just not respond. You feel badly enough, you don't need their "assistance".

13. Limit your time with people who drain you. You know who they are. Often you don't have a choice - but you can put the meter on. And, subsequently, be aware of what you're asking of those close to you.

14. Everyone has stuff they've got to deal with. What you have been saddled with is your stuff. Recognize, just as you're not alone, you're also not unique. The grass may look greener, you may be jealous or envious of others who don't have to deal with depression, but you likely do not know everything that's going on with them.

15. Let go or be dragged. This is an old Buddhist saying. It’s a very useful way to frame
aspects of depression. Betrayal, anger, fear... letting go is a process – often a painful and
difficult process - but it’s ultimately going to show you the path out of this terrible place.
Repeating the mantra can help when you’re feeling gripped by these feelings.

16. Wear clothes that make you feel confident. It takes as much time to put on nice clothes as
it does to put on sweatpants. You will want to wear the sweatpants. Fight the urge. The
whole “look good/feel better” campaign isn't limited to cancer and chemotherapy. Or

17. Avoid fictional drama and tragedy like the plague. No Grey’s Anatomy, no to The
Notebook, or anything that won a Pulitzer prize. You've got enough going on In Real
Life. Comedy only. Or trashy stuff. Old episodes of WonderWoman? 
Mindless drivel, like the latest CGI blockbuster. Or clever, funny books. David Sedaris.
Jenny Lawson. Fiction exists to elicit emotion, and the emotion you need to express most
right now is laughter.

18. Simple exercise, if you can. It can be something as simple as taking the stairs up a flight,
or walking around the block. It doesn't have to be elaborate, it doesn't have to involve
climbing a mountain or running a marathon. Baby steps.

19. Depression will lie to you. Depression will try to tell you what others are thinking. That
you are unloved and unworthy, that others think little of you or don’t care – or even wish
you harm. You are not a psychic. Keep repeating that. “I am not a psychic”. Repeat. The
only way to know what another person is thinking is to up and ask them.

20.If you are well and truly losing this battle, reach out to someone.

21. Forgive yourself. I'm writing out all these tips, and I can’t always muster the strength to
even stick my nose outside, or walk up the stairs, or eat my vegetables. Today, I got
outside for ten minutes. I will try again tomorrow. And I will try again the day after that.

This list will not cure you. This list will not flip on the happy switch. God, I wish it were
that easy. The theme here is to not to unknowingly sabotage yourself. All these little
things? Like your blood sugar, or watching non-stop episodes of House, or endless Try
Harder lectures from your Perpetually Perky sister?
They all make dealing with depression hard enough, all on it's own.