Leap of faith

I have very recently, today actually, decided to take on one of the scariest experiences of my entire life: self-employment...
I have the advantage of having one very loyal client backing me with everything they can.
Thank you for that Dr Spy.
Without your suppoet and believe I would not even have considered taking this chance.
Furthermore I have an excellent, always positive, friendship in Brenda Casey who seems to believe I'm sImebody worthwhile even though I doubt that myself.
The more I kick against the difficult choice between getting a job and starting my own business the more people start to back me and try and help me out.
If that is not a sign then I don't know what will convince me.
I must confess: I am scared and anxiety won't let go of its grip on my heart.
But like Brenda said: believe and put your faith in God.
Doors will open when others close.
I think the hardest is the fact that I got this chance by doing something really bad to people I said I loved.
How can someone be given a good chance after doing evil?
Only time will tell...

Happiness

Can anyone out there tell me how happiness feels please.
I'm 35 years old.
In those 35years I can honestly say that I cannot remember 10days that I woke up and felt happy to be alive.
I've done some bad things.
Not Hitler or Idi Amin kind of bad things but I am most certainly not innocent.
Are those wrongs I've done the reason for how I feel?
Is my life the fair punishment?

Once anyone has managed to describe happiness to me, please give love a go.
Sure, I have known how it feels to be in love, but I have no idea what it feels like to be loved back.
Is that also part of the punishment for all my "crimes".
Maybe I was Stalin in a previous life...or Hitler.
That would explain it.

Blood and guts

It takes more guts to love than to do anything else.
I loved and I hurt and everytime I tell myself I'm never loving anyone ever again.
Yesterday my best friend, whom I fell in love with, against my will mind you, told me she doesn't want to be anywhere near me.
She's been my motivation and inspiration these last almost 3 years.
She pulled me through the hard times.
Now I'm on my own again.
I don't know how I will make it on my own.
I've already lost all interest in running.
Nothing interests me.
I just want to lie on my bed and die.
I've done my crying.

Another day

Petro and I had a long talk this weekend about all the things that upset me.
I pretty much guilt tripped her about everything I have done for her without her ever having asked for any of it.
If she has no notion about how I feel about her now she never will.
I have tried to replace the place she occupies in my heart with someone else, but all I figured out is that you can't replace someone you love with someone else.
Especially not if the person you love remains in your life.
That love and longing will always come back and sooner rather than later it will destroy any relationship you try to replace it with.
Karen had a chance, but Elzanne never even had a foot in the door.
I think maybe if Karen would give me another real chance and be willing to do more from her side to make it work that we could build something.
Honestly I think this whole thing will only end in disaster...

The truth

So why am I depressed this time?

EVERY running related decision I've made this last year has been 99% influenced by Petro...I decided to do Comrades because of her.
Then she got injured and I knew how she felt about being left out.
So I decided not to run anymore because she couldn't and I would NOT be part of anything that made her feel left out and sad.
I'd rather train with her at a slower pace during her recovery.
My "dream" was to run my first comrades with her and also be there for her tenth finish.
But now I can't be there and because she's decided to make it her last I'll never get to do a comrades with her.
So now I feel left out and she's very much at the centre of the group that's causing it.
I messed up my running so that I could support her during her recovery.
Then she just abandoned me right after the damage was done.
I basically sacrificed my whole season for her...