Positivity at a premium

I find it incredibly difficult to write anything worth reading if I'm not either suicidally depressed or nauseatingly in love.
Note to self: check with psychologist whether above mentioned situations are somehow related...my guess is yes.
I've always dreamed of becoming a best selling novellist but if that was at the expense of either happiness or my sanity then I'm passing on it.
Writing makes me happy, but I'd much rather just be happy to start with.
And lets not even start on the topic of love...its too nauseating...
We all get lonely, but I think its way better to be lonely outside a relationship than in one...

Little hints of insanity...

Last couple of months have been interesting to say the least.
Had my heart broken and lost a very dear friend of mine.
Won't mention the biatch that broke my heart again, bit what is close to my heart is how Cynthea, my dear friend, had influenced me.
No one who knows me would disagree if someone mention that I've changed.
Hell, everyone would probably agree it is all for the better...because I was a bit of a nutcase before.
Truth is people, I was sane back then
Now I find myself asking: what would Cynthea do? in almost every situation.
I'm feeling like I've developed a split personality.
Right side of my brain, which controls emotions, pretty much IS Cynthea these days.
People like me more these days.
Way to go C!
Great...
Had to loose my mind for people to start doubting I'm crazy.

To those left behind.

It's difficult to put into words exactly how I feel having to accept that C will not be with us anymore.
In many ways her life was a lie, and her advice was hard to swallow most of the time, but she always gave them with only the best intentions.
I know it is said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but I know in my heart that C never meant anyone anything other than happiness.
People that knew her would think she was a blissfully happy person, but I know better.
The biggest reason she devoted her life to easing other's pain was that she could never overcome her own. Though we fought constantly I loved her dearly because a better friend cannot be found.
My life will always have a void now that she is gone, but hopefully the changes she caused in me will help a little to make up for that.
The world will truly be a lesser place without her.
My heart goes out to her family, and especially her daughter.
Hold on to the good memories and be proud of your daughter/mother.
She once told me "feel pity for those who do not cry, because they can not see."
Cry for her because she brought change to all those that met her and always for the better no matter how she did it.

The little things in life

I'm sure all our parents told us at some point in time that though money gives you security, it isn't everythimg.
It can't buy love and it can't buy happiness.
We all know this, but nothing is as earth shattering as the day you realise just how true it is.
The day you first hold that one special person's hand.
The day you wake up next to them for the first time and realise you want to wake up next to them every morning for the rest of your life.
You play over every kiss, every touch over and over in your mind, and it feels like you're flying when you think about them.
Your heart goes absolutely crazy when someone mentions their name.
Everytime you look into their eyes you see your whole future in them.
You dream about the children you'll have together.
Maybe a cute little baby daughter named Kara...that's my dream.

All this can be yours for the great price of...wait for it...absolutely nothing.
Free it may be though, but it doesn't mean all of us gets to be with the one we love.
Even all the money in the world won't be able to buy it, though I'd give up everything I own and more...

Point of view

Something I see quite often is professional photographers making all kinds of snide remarks about every monkey with a slr thinking they're a photographer.
Guess they're pretty close to the truth.
It takes more than a paintbrush or a camera to be an artist.
You've got to see the world in a different way, a way that no one else sees it.
This is especially true for photographers.
A painter has his own style of painting, but a photographer only has a button to press so he really needs to make his view on the world special.
Life is simmilar, I've found.
We all have sadness and hardships that cross our paths, yet there are those of us blessed with a view on the world that can bring most things in a good light.
I'm afraid I'm not very good at that kind of thing though.
A friend once told me that my heart may be in the right place and made of solid gold, but the way I.see the world poisons me.
And in the end I will poison those around me too if I cannotchange that.
A good soul is a weak soul.
I get hurt so easily and at some time I always lash back at it.
But I have so much to be greatful for.
God has given me an unlimited ability for absorbing other's pain.
I try to help where I can because that's where I find pleasure and happiness the easiest.
Maybe one day I too will be blessed with unconditional love and happiness.

You've got to live a little...

Recently I was busy with work one Saturday, trying to complete a real cumbersome asignment I'd been given a day or two before.
The week had been like a work week in hell and I hadn't had any time to complete it.
So there I was spending my free, personal time to finish work that in all honesty could have waited until Monday, so that I would have more time to do whatever other asignment came in during the week.
But why do we work?
Do we do it for pleasure or the income it provides?
Honestly, would you still work if you didn't have to even if you really loved the work you do?
Sure a lot would say yes, but in the end work is all about necessity.
Take that away and nothing is left.
Yet there I found myself doing work on my time just so that I had more time do more work.
Why work at all if you don't get to do the things you work for in the first place?
That's just pointless.
Spend as much time doing the things you love, work excluded you sick workoholics!
Get a life.
Get a hobby.
Get anything you'd look forward to doing/being with outside of work.
Live for that and let your work be nothing more than a means to an end.

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The side effects of a golden heart.

Where does evil sprout from?
Where does it find root the easiest?
Most would agree that such a place would be a dark, remorseless place.
I disagree though.
I think it finds its holding place most often where there is an over abundance of good.
"If evil is darkness then good is most certainly light" I can almost hear you say.
And you would be right, but then the brightest of views falls to darkness as the shadows prevail the moment the warmth and light of the sun abandons us.
There is no getting away from it.
What is evil?
Is it the absence of good, as darkness is the absence of light?
Is it the presence of malice?
If its the latter then the light vs darkness equation means nothing.
If its the first then can it be so bad?

It's in people's nature to test the boundaries of every relationship they find themselves in.
They will rip at the heart of a good soul until nothing is left but an empty shell.
There-in pain will grow and fester until it overcomes what was once filled with unconditional love.

Thus is the fate of the golden heart.

But inevitably the sun will rise again and the shadows will be replaced by light and the cold with warmth.
Eventually every good soul will find a balance between the light and the darkness.
Pain teaches us to endure.
Nature gives us no more and no less than what we can handle.
It sculpts us into the person we are meant to be.
That is the nature of the light.

Darkness, evil is shying away from the light, from balance.

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