Mutual respect

I am pissed-off...
Pissed-off at a world where people have no respect for you and treat you like shit just because you aren't a complete asshole.
And then when you do behave like one you are the bad guy.
I am sick of this world.

Leap of faith

I have very recently, today actually, decided to take on one of the scariest experiences of my entire life: self-employment...
I have the advantage of having one very loyal client backing me with everything they can.
Thank you for that Dr Spy.
Without your suppoet and believe I would not even have considered taking this chance.
Furthermore I have an excellent, always positive, friendship in Brenda Casey who seems to believe I'm sImebody worthwhile even though I doubt that myself.
The more I kick against the difficult choice between getting a job and starting my own business the more people start to back me and try and help me out.
If that is not a sign then I don't know what will convince me.
I must confess: I am scared and anxiety won't let go of its grip on my heart.
But like Brenda said: believe and put your faith in God.
Doors will open when others close.
I think the hardest is the fact that I got this chance by doing something really bad to people I said I loved.
How can someone be given a good chance after doing evil?
Only time will tell...

Happiness

Can anyone out there tell me how happiness feels please.
I'm 35 years old.
In those 35years I can honestly say that I cannot remember 10days that I woke up and felt happy to be alive.
I've done some bad things.
Not Hitler or Idi Amin kind of bad things but I am most certainly not innocent.
Are those wrongs I've done the reason for how I feel?
Is my life the fair punishment?

Once anyone has managed to describe happiness to me, please give love a go.
Sure, I have known how it feels to be in love, but I have no idea what it feels like to be loved back.
Is that also part of the punishment for all my "crimes".
Maybe I was Stalin in a previous life...or Hitler.
That would explain it.

Blood and guts

It takes more guts to love than to do anything else.
I loved and I hurt and everytime I tell myself I'm never loving anyone ever again.
Yesterday my best friend, whom I fell in love with, against my will mind you, told me she doesn't want to be anywhere near me.
She's been my motivation and inspiration these last almost 3 years.
She pulled me through the hard times.
Now I'm on my own again.
I don't know how I will make it on my own.
I've already lost all interest in running.
Nothing interests me.
I just want to lie on my bed and die.
I've done my crying.

Another day

Petro and I had a long talk this weekend about all the things that upset me.
I pretty much guilt tripped her about everything I have done for her without her ever having asked for any of it.
If she has no notion about how I feel about her now she never will.
I have tried to replace the place she occupies in my heart with someone else, but all I figured out is that you can't replace someone you love with someone else.
Especially not if the person you love remains in your life.
That love and longing will always come back and sooner rather than later it will destroy any relationship you try to replace it with.
Karen had a chance, but Elzanne never even had a foot in the door.
I think maybe if Karen would give me another real chance and be willing to do more from her side to make it work that we could build something.
Honestly I think this whole thing will only end in disaster...

The truth

So why am I depressed this time?

EVERY running related decision I've made this last year has been 99% influenced by Petro...I decided to do Comrades because of her.
Then she got injured and I knew how she felt about being left out.
So I decided not to run anymore because she couldn't and I would NOT be part of anything that made her feel left out and sad.
I'd rather train with her at a slower pace during her recovery.
My "dream" was to run my first comrades with her and also be there for her tenth finish.
But now I can't be there and because she's decided to make it her last I'll never get to do a comrades with her.
So now I feel left out and she's very much at the centre of the group that's causing it.
I messed up my running so that I could support her during her recovery.
Then she just abandoned me right after the damage was done.
I basically sacrificed my whole season for her...

Coping with depression

I've been reading up all around the web and found all kinds of lists on how to cope.
This is a combination of the best:

1. Know you are not alone. Know that we are a silent legion, who, every day face the solipsism and judgement of HAPPY PEOPLE WHO THINK WE AREN'T TRYING.

2. Understand that the HAPPY PEOPLE are acting out of some genuine (albeit misguided) concern for you, that it's coming from a good place, even if the advice feels like you're being blamed for your disease. Telling you these things makes them feel better, even if it makes you fell terrible. (If they insist on keeping it up see #12.)

3. Enlist the help of a professional. See your doctor. You need to talk about the ugly stuff, and there are people paid to listen and help you find your way to the light at the end of the tunnel.

4. Understand that antidepressants will only do so much. They're useful, they'll level you out and give you the time you need to figure out your own path to getting well. They can be helpful. There are lots to choose from. They may not be for you, and even if they are, they take some time to kick in. Conversely, they may not be for you. Work with your doctor.

5. Pick up a paintbrush, a pencil, an activity you got joy from in the past and re-explore that. Or, sign up for the thing you always wanted to try. There is a long history and link between depression and creativity. It's a bright light of this condition, so utilize it to your best advantage.

6. Eat nutritionally sound, regular small meals. If you are having trouble eating, try to focus on what you'd like to eat. Conversely, if all you want to do is scarf down crap, try to ramp it off by downing a glass of water and doing #9 for 15 minutes, and see how you feel. Chucking your blood sugar all over hell's half acre is going to make you feel worse.

7. While you're doing #3, get some blood-work done. If you're low on iron or vitamin D, or if your hormone levels are doing the Macarena... these can all contribute to zapping your energy or switching your mood to BLEAK.

8. If you're in bed and the "insomnia hamsters", as I like to call them, are on the wheel of your head, watch midnight news or infomercials... Swap out your coffee for herbal tea. If you just cannot sleep, try the next tip...

9. Learn to meditate. Start by focusing on your breathing. Not sleep, not thoughts. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Meditation is focusing on being present in your body, not careening around in your brain. It may not be as good as sleep but it will give you some rest and recharge you.

10. Face a window as often as you can - at work, at home. Look out into the world. Watch. Observe. Try to fin something you find pretty or interesting to focus on. And, handily remember that 1 in 5 of those people out there feel the way you do.

11. Cry. Better out than in. Sometimes it's not convenient or career-enhancing to cry, so find a private place as best you can and let the tears go. You can always claim allergies.

12. Any "friend" who resolutely believes that your depression is because you're lazy, because you're not trying hard enough, who blames you for not bootstrapping out of it - that friend needs to be cut off. Polite (#2) is one thing, but there is a limit. You don't have to explain, you can just not respond. You feel badly enough, you don't need their "assistance".

13. Limit your time with people who drain you. You know who they are. Often you don't have a choice - but you can put the meter on. And, subsequently, be aware of what you're asking of those close to you.

14. Everyone has stuff they've got to deal with. What you have been saddled with is your stuff. Recognize, just as you're not alone, you're also not unique. The grass may look greener, you may be jealous or envious of others who don't have to deal with depression, but you likely do not know everything that's going on with them.

15. Let go or be dragged. This is an old Buddhist saying. It’s a very useful way to frame
aspects of depression. Betrayal, anger, fear... letting go is a process – often a painful and
difficult process - but it’s ultimately going to show you the path out of this terrible place.
Repeating the mantra can help when you’re feeling gripped by these feelings.

16. Wear clothes that make you feel confident. It takes as much time to put on nice clothes as
it does to put on sweatpants. You will want to wear the sweatpants. Fight the urge. The
whole “look good/feel better” campaign isn't limited to cancer and chemotherapy. Or
women.

17. Avoid fictional drama and tragedy like the plague. No Grey’s Anatomy, no to The

Notebook, or anything that won a Pulitzer prize. You've got enough going on In Real

Life. Comedy only. Or trashy stuff. Old episodes of WonderWoman? 

Mindless drivel, like the latest CGI blockbuster. Or clever, funny books. David Sedaris.

Jenny Lawson. Fiction exists to elicit emotion, and the emotion you need to express most

right now is laughter.

18. Simple exercise, if you can. It can be something as simple as taking the stairs up a flight,

or walking around the block. It doesn't have to be elaborate, it doesn't have to involve

climbing a mountain or running a marathon. Baby steps.

19. Depression will lie to you. Depression will try to tell you what others are thinking. That

you are unloved and unworthy, that others think little of you or don’t care – or even wish

you harm. You are not a psychic. Keep repeating that. “I am not a psychic”. Repeat. The

only way to know what another person is thinking is to up and ask them.

20.If you are well and truly losing this battle, reach out to someone.

21. Forgive yourself. I'm writing out all these tips, and I can’t always muster the strength to

even stick my nose outside, or walk up the stairs, or eat my vegetables. Today, I got

outside for ten minutes. I will try again tomorrow. And I will try again the day after that.

This list will not cure you. This list will not flip on the happy switch. God, I wish it were

that easy. The theme here is to not to unknowingly sabotage yourself. All these little

things? Like your blood sugar, or watching non-stop episodes of House, or endless Try

Harder lectures from your Perpetually Perky sister?

They all make dealing with depression hard enough, all on it's own.

Living with depression

I think the worst thing about living with depression is that no one really gets that the psychological part of it is only the symptoms of a disease.
People tell me I need to pull myself together and learn to cope with life's pressure like they did.
What they'll NEVER understand is that it is not life's pressures that get me down.
It's like a little voice inside my head that quite a lot of the time speaks what seems like sense.
Psychologists and psychiatrists alike keep on telling you that you need to challenge every negative thought you get.
When the depression starts to rear it's head EVERY thought is negative and bloody well most of the thoughts seem utter truth.
When you start to challenge every thought, especially when it seems logical, you get to a point very quickly where paranoia gets the best of you.
You don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore.
You can't make ANY decisions on your own because you start to find it difficult to distinguish between yourself and the "little voice".
I've tried to talk to people about it.
Not even the "shrinks" seem to really comprehend it.
What gets me even more is that at times I feel like I can read peoples' minds.
What scares me even more is that I've been proven spot on by too many people too many times not to trust my instincts.
Yesterday again I freaked out a friend of mine when I pretty much read her thoughts like she was saying them out loud.
Repeat: "I am NOT a Psychic"...check #19 on the next post....
The "little voice" takes advantage of that...
"He" allows me a moment of clarity to give me a bit of confidence in that "ability" and then he lets it fly with the negative thoughts.
It's like me against myself except the "little voice" part knows what's really happening and he's got his knife in for me and he's willing to break every rule to achieve my downfall.

Every day since I was 12 or 13 the "little voice" has been with me.
Everyday I've challenged it as long as I could, but I'm 33 now.
It's kept me from achieving anything in life.
Now there actually is something to be depressed about.
How do I distinguish negative thoughts from the truth now when even the truth really is negative?

Gravity...

All my life I've ran away from the truth.
Here, today, I will set the record straight.
I'm also going to tell the one thing I feel the need to express though it's meant for no one's ears.

For the few that know my pain, they possibly believe that on 25 March 2012 a part of me died.
That is the day the love of my life passed away.
But they would be mistaken in that assumption.
In fact, all of me died that day.
She was my everything.
She is the one single most influential person I ever knew.
Ever since then I have done as I believed she would do in whatever situation.
The rest of my life is a tribute to her.
My whole life I've hated myself, don't ask me why because I don't know, but still that's the fact.
I never thought myself good enough for anything, or anyone.
She made me believe I am...sadly it only finally got through to me after her passing.
I just pray that a part of her really does live on inside me.

Some days are harder than others, but I just keep on moving forward.
I miss the past, but I realize there is no changing it.

I remember you...

Since no one reads this I might as well spill my heart.
I miss you again today, Cynthea.
Just like any other day, just a little bit more than usual on this very moment.
I met somebody that reminded me so much of you.
She isn't tall, she isn't athletic and she is blonde.
Everything you are not.
But just like with you we fought about everything.
Sometimes I wonder whether it's because we are so similar or because she is just like you...
Then I realize both.
I would ask you what to do now that she is gone out of my life, but I know what your answer would be...
You'd smile, smack me upside the head and say that everything happens for a reason.
You'd say that no one leaves any relationship unchanged and that I had to think on what I had learned from it.
All I learned is that life is both too short and too long.
Too short to live down all the mistakes we've made, too short to make it up to the people we love.
But it is also too long.
Too long to live with the suffering we cause on those who love us and we cannot love back.
I realized too late that all you wanted of me was to fight for you.
Now you are gone and I'm alone and the only people I develop feelings for are those that remind me of you...

Who you really are...

So like most people you wake up on a weekday and you get up and get ready and off to work you go...
But what would you rather do?
You get to work and you greet everyone, including the boss, cheerfully...
I bet you'd probably much rather give them all the finger.
Work starts and like most places the client is always right...
But are they really? Are they right even some of the time?
Finally it is 5 o'clock and you get to head off to home...
If you'd just have stayed in bed originally this move wouldn't be necessary though.
If you're in some relationship the rest of the evening would then probably be spent telling your other half just how much you hate your job and everyone you have to work with...
Pity, fool. 

By the way: how was YOUR day, honey?

You live your whole life by other's rules and you pay for ALL your needs with money you get from some ass you are making rich.
In all this, who you are gets lost somewhere.
The more I try to find who I am the more I realize I hate this whole routine I am stuck in.
I want to get out.
I want to be free.
But most of all I just want to be ME!!!

Dear diary...

Apparently siri on the iphone is quite helpful when asking questions like "where can I get rid of a body".
S-voice on my samsung isn't quite so helpful.
Question is whether it's because iphone users are more likely to have to get rid of a body or that siri is simply superior...
Which brings me to my next question: should I have waited for the iphone 5?
Thinking about it I guess the frustration involved in me having to live with an iphone would probably have left me with the need to get rid of a body but the samsung is such a pleasure I can't even imagine killing someone.
All joking aside I think Apple, and the world even without knowing it, is a lesser place without Steve Jobs.
He was the one person in the technology sector I really looked up to even though he was the brainchild behind a lot of things I hate.
He was a true visionary.

Money money money

Money makes any job torture.
I'd do just about anything for free just to keep busy if I'd had a trust fund or something to supply me financially.
Think about it.
Nothing you're forced to do, even for money, is ever fun.
And the people that work in some big money position always look down on you.
As if they're any better than you.
With my iq I'm ten points short of being a fucking genius!
Only just failed to pass the mensa iq test.
Still, I'm just short of being amongst the top 5% of all people in the world.
So what if I'm in some dead end job?
I'm smart enough to look for happiness somewhere else than in a big paying job.
Won't find it with a huge salary cheque.
I've realised that a very long time ago.
My soul will always belong to me and me alone...

3 Months with the Samsung Galaxy S3

You know how you always get excited when you first lay your grubby little paws on your new cellphone's box for the first time.
Then after opening, charging and finally get it up and running you realize it isn't quite as great as you thought it would be.
Somehow your imagination of what it would be like is always let down.
The last couple of years the android operating system by google has really exploded onto the scene really making a lot of phones very similar.
True every manufacturer has their own shell but in the end android is android.
So coming from another android phone, the xperia x10, I really wasn't expecting a world of change.
Sure I expected it to be faster, mainly because the x10 was slow as hell.
But the samsung not only beat it conclusively, actually it blew it out of the water, the whole experience was inexplicably better.
Even now I'm still enjoying it as if it was a new phone.
Every day I fall in love with the s3 all over again.
It really is a marvel of engineering.
And it's now an iphone copy.
I hate iphones.
I wouldn't have gone anywhere near it if anything resembled an iphone.
Admittedly the original S was an iphone copy...probably why I never liked it.
So if you can't decide which phone to get I promise you won't be sorry if you get yourself an S3.
Only complaints I've heard of is either contract related or its battery life.
But trust me short of the huge note2 there is no other smartphone with a battery that lasts much longer.
The S3's shortcomings are all common smartphone shortcomings so don't blame it on the S3.

Keeping the peace.

If ever there was a question I would like answered then it would be how to keep calm when idiots try their utmost to infuriate me.
I know people who have absolutely no hesitation uttering what they can't have any doubt people know are lies and you'd better keep your mouth shut or they'll take you on with everything they've got.
No wonder they rarely leave the safety of their house because they know that elsewhere no one would take their shit.
Atypical case of inferiority complex...but should be infuriating complex.
Actually sad to think that they have few or no true friends and if they do those poor souls are always pushed away in favour of people that would drop them without hesitation.
They always try and force themselves on  the people that have the least value in them precisely because of before mentioned complex.
They have an unsatiable need to proof themselves to those that don't value them.
Like I already mentioned those that do value them get ignored.
It's unfortunately, for them, a game they will NEVER win.
They will always feel inferior and because they push away those that actually care they will always be surrounded by those that don't.
Only cure is for them to realise their issue, but that rarely happens and even if it does it is still a very difficult complex to overcome.
It is always a deeply rooted problem, mostly childhood but can also be due to a trauma.
In some cases a parent with said complex can affect children aswell especially if a single child is highly dependant on the parent.
Even though these people seem to live a normal happy life and it takes a trained eye to recognise the symptoms it's never a easy complex to have to live with.
These people learn to put on a mask to attract the people that feed their needs.
Unfortunately for me I've got a keen eye for reading people.
Tbings like these make me want to shake them and ask them why they can't see what is wrong with them.
They never do and they always think I'm the crazy one.
This is my gift...this is my curse...

(Enter title here...)

Writing a book is showing the world your soul...
I've bared my soul, if only to a select handful.
The human mind is a scary place.
Someone else's diary is something you really should never read.
A friend of mine died recently and, for some reason known only by her psychiatric trained mind, she had her last diary delivered to me as part of her will.
I can honestly say I am a changed man, for both better and for worse.
To find out just how much you meant to someone that has just passed away and never having heard it from their own lips always having thought she thought a lot less of me.
Turns out she just believed I was capable of much more and was trying to push me...
I lost the one person I know for sure believed in me.

Seems like the past year everything in my life has been falling apart.
Even though I've made it my new year's resolution to put everyone in-front of myself, and I stuck to it, there has been no reward.
Not that I expected a reward, but life seems to have a sick sense of humor.
Seems it's true that no good deed goes unpunished.
Murphy's law has really had a ball in my life.

Boot against the bottom

I think it is safe to say that there is some heavy public pressure against Heyneke Meyer. And it is for good reason. Even someone unknowledgeable in the fine art of rugby can see that there is something wrong with the springbok team.
Moments of sheer individual brilliance is what has saved us from what could possibly jave been terrible upsets.
A lacklustre performance against Argentina really got the public up in arms and the loss to Australia only served to worsen what was already a hige public outcry against what seemed a planless Meyer.
The performance against the All black was definotely a huge improvement but Im sorry to say that is was in now way due to an improved gameplan.
Rather I think the players took it upon themselves to play their hearts out and make the best of the terrible deal they've been dealt.
In my opinion the team seems to be stuck somewhere in the middle between the Stormers' kick and chase gameplan and the Bulls' forward dominance gameplan.
Maybe I'm biased here but I really believe that the Sharks had the best balanced gameplan amongst the South african conferences. Surely considering the amount of sharks players in the bok team they should rather concentrate on a simmilar gameplan.
A real breath of fresh air was the inclusion of Johan Goosen.
Against the All Blacks I have no doubt that the Boks would have won if the young Goosen had started the game.
Another sore point is the amount of gametime Lamby has had in past weeks.
With Louw and Coetzee on the side of the scrum we really looked a force to be reconned with.
At the moment Duane Vermeulen's match fitness is a bit questionable though.
Maybe Alberts on 8 could be the answer but he doesn't look the player he usually is from the bench.
My biggest concern though is what thinking made Meyer even include Dean Greyling in the side.
If a finger can be pointed against any single player it would surely be him.
In 20 minutes he cost the Boks no less than 4 penalties of which one was a yellow card.
Hopefully Meyer's eyes will open in the following weeks and he will set up a proper, modern gameplan and select players to suite it instead of his unexplainable faith in the Bulls players who couldn't even manage at their own gameplan in this year's Super15.

Psychology...

Being a psychologist or psychiatrist really needs to be all about wanting to help people.
Truth be told all the real good ones get called quacks and the sorts.
People generally don't like hearing the truth and that's why.
Bad ones tell patients exactely what they want to hear and so get lots of credit and are widely loved.
Lies don't help anyone though.
You've got to face a truth and accept it to be able to fix it.
I look at myself and the people in my life.
I'd had to take a hard, honest look at myself to realise all the wrongs in my life.
But I accepted it and I'm doing something to change.
I don't think there is anything harder than changing the very core of who and what you are no matter how little that change.
I've changed, but I had to see a deep inner part of me I never knew existed.
I had to be broken to be able to rebuild who I am.
I had to be weak and vulnerable so that now I can be strong.

So what phone should you get?

I going to be biased towards android here.
I took the plunge to android before even I really knew anything about the OS.
All I knew was I hated Nokia and the crap Symbian operating system they were pushing on their clients.
2 years down the line and I've come to love android.
Apple is a great alternative which really takes a pounding without ever missing a beat and setting up almost anything is virtually childsplay.
What really pisses me off about ios is its lack of widgets and the tight constraints Apple puts on what you can do.
No changing the interface or icons like android.
Another thing, and this is a big one, is the price.
Apple's phones have steadily fallen behind in their specs yet their prices are higher than the top android phones.
That, for me, makes it nothing but a image thing.
It's not a bad device, it's just not worth the price.

That settled lets move on to blackberry...
RIM's little messaging wonders have really taken off in South Africa.
While they are showing losses everywhere else africa has been a steady source of income for the Canadian manufacturer.
Despite having laid off some of their workers twice in the last couple of months there hopefully is no end in sight...yet.
Going down would be bad for anyone owning a blackberry...I would have a celebration party.
The reason android is so popular is due to a couple of things, but in my opinion the most prominent reason is due to the fact that the savings from the operating system goes straight into the hardware thus for the same price other phones just can't compete.
Blackberry is very guilty here.
They are always a generation or two behind and their software is old and unimaginative.
I genuinely hope bbos10 proves me wrong.
Their success falls squarely on their "free internet".
Few stop and think about this.
There is a monthly fee.
Furthermore Blackberry uses a different apn through which all internet on device is filtered, slowing even hsdpa internet speeds down to what more closely resembles edge.

At this point I'd like to mention that I think what Nokia have done with the Lumia 800 and 900 is magnificent.
I take my hat off to them.
Microsoft screwed them though, Windows phone 8 not coming to either.
If you want a modern smartphone but can't be bothered with all the functions android of Apple can offer you or finding either to complicated then Windows phone 7 is for you.
It does a lot the two I mentioned can but in a lot simpler way.
I love it, I just love android more...

Cooler as ekke...

Anyone else ever feel the need to be right on the edge of technology.
Just got to be better than everyone I know.
Expensive challenge though.
Living on toast and baked beans are getting old anyway...
I'm changing to creamed corn on toast...yeah I know, but my cellphone contract is due for an upgrade and the new Samsung galaxy s3 is out!
Last time, promise!